Tuesday, May 02, 2006

This is my cordless life, which means: Where is that phone and wh ich one is it?

So, in combining households, we have ended up with alot of STUFF. I have
gotten rid of alot of mine, just because its easier than convincing Claude
to give up something of his. Anyhoo, we now have about FIVE cordless phones.
We have an army of phones! One in the basement, one for the garage that's
never there, one for the bedroom (that's never there), one for the kitchen
(sometimes there with its phone friends), and one in the living room
(usually with its friends). Most of often the phones all gravitate to the
living room and have their own teleparty.

And our house isn't that big. You have plenty of time to run for the phone.
But with this quantity, when someone calls, I feel like I am under attack,
and don't know where to run to, and neither does Drew. Like deer in
headlights. Am I closer to the basement? The bedroom? We run back and forth,
looking for the phone, and find three on the coffee table. I answer one, and
its dead. Another isn't in time with the ringing and still rings. Suddenly,
I am holding two phones and the person has hung up. Its utter panic, and
utter comedy.

Last week, I sold mine, then promptly that night the remainder ALL died on
us. No phones. Such quiet, peaceful bliss. Claude glared at me like it was a
sin. I personally always kept my one cordless phone on the charger - it
helps when you need to find it - because there it is! on the charger! and
its always charged the that way! "Phones MUST not go on the charger until
they are fully dead," is what Claude believes, and is probably
technologically true on some planet. So, instead of putting it on its base,
the logical place to look for a phone, they randomly hide EVERYWHERE. Then
they all died at once.

For a person who uses computers and technology everyday, I prefer to have
(maybe ONE cordless, to go outdoors with and talk during housework), and one
fully corded simple, twelve button, wall phone. I want something that when I
pick up the receiver, it works. No fancy buttons to confuse me, no beeping
lights and ringtones. It should always be there, and even work during a
power outage.

Not only am I cursed by five phones, I now have an assortment of people who
call, and don't talk right away. No "Hello, How are you, is so-and-so
there?" Most do, however, but in that odd silence that isn't a dial-tone, I
never know when the phone is dying, the volume is changed, or if I am
getting a prank call.

Did I mention that living with a partially deaf person ( I love you Claude)
who leaves the phone volume on highest-loudest-scream-in-your-ear-volume,
can also be painful if you happen to grab the same phone afterward? Like
talking to a teenager with their ipod cranked on. I once tried hiding one
phone in the kitchen cupboard, but he proved he wasn't so deaf he couldn't
find it and put it back into oblivion for me. (I am sure there is a blog out
there about his weird girlfriend who stores the phone with the frying pan).

So if you call my house, let the phone ring alot, because I don't know how
to answer.

If I could next figure out how to work the answering machine OR the
voicemail, I might be better off.

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